Hermit

I am more of a hermit than I thought I was. I always thought I was outgoing and an extrovert but I never scored really high on the extroverted scale on the MBTI, which confused me. I needed to be around people, to be with people, to be in the thick of things. But I barely made it to the extroverted side of the MBTI.

However, when I started listening to "Dezra," to that voice inside me that told me who I am, things started changing.

Before I started listening to myself, I saw myself constantly on stage, performing. And I rarely liked my own performance because I felt like it was forced and unnatural. One day I decided I would step off stage and see what happened. I would embrace my introvert.

It was awful! I was terrified. What happens if I disappear? What happens if no one sees me anymore? What happens if I become invisible. My mother was/is invisible and it scares the hell out of me to be like that.

But I had to listen to "Dezra" and she kept telling me that my insecurities stem from being on stage and wondering if people liked my performance--and of course in my mind they didn't because I didn't. I was at the mercies of others. So I stepped down off the stage.

And I wasn't noticed. I did become invisible--at least, I wasn't seen how I was used to being seen. I cried a lot during this time. I feared (and still fear) not being seen. I will be forgotten. What I trusted, though, was that I would discover those who loved me as I am, not as I pretended to be. I would make/keep friends who were truly my friends.

I don't have many of them. Less than a handful, really. And on the whole I'm content, which surprises me, also. I thought I needed more, but I don't.

This is where the hermit comes in. I find crowds of strangers to be surreal. Tonight I helped a friend of mine set up for the first Concert on the Circle in Irvington. She has tons of friends within the community. I have...well...her, I guess. I met a few people but they were all doing something regarding the concert and I just sat there. The more crowded it got, the more surreal it got. The group sang gospel and old rock tunes without the drive and kids rode bikes and people milled and jabbered and listened and I felt like I was in some Renoir painting gone bad...or at a church (bizarre) bazaar from the 50's. I no longer existed and the noises and colors and faces were of a different era.

So I left.

And I'm confused. I don't mind crowds in general. Or maybe it's that I don't like strange crowds where I know no one and have no purpose being there.

I left my car on the circle. That means I have to go back. I also left Bob hanging on a post.